


Of Monsters and Men

by herorogers (singlezayn2k14)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America Winter, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Bucky & Reader are a couple, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/M, Steve & Reader are best friends, he's insecure, so are Bucky & Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 10:38:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5964256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singlezayn2k14/pseuds/herorogers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Bucky lives with Steve and is still trying to adapt to a normal life. He's insecure about his arm and thinks of himself as a fucked up science project. You try to prove him wrong. <br/>[Or: You're dating Bucky and try making him feel better about himself.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Monsters and Men

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where this came from but I was having major Bucky feels. Plus, it's important to love yourself. Enjoy!

Being in a relationship with Bucky wasn't easy. He needed a lot of time to get used to new things such as intimacy, touching each other or generally being close physically and emotionally. You still felt him flinching when you touched him and he didn't see it coming, he would tense up and look frantic, but then he also was able to calm down again quickly. He also didn't speak much, he had to get used to making conversation, telling someone how his day was, how he felt, what he was thinking of. That was new to him, but he was warming up. You noticed that especially when you were alone with him or when only Steve was around. Bucky would be more talkative then, answering questions and cracking a small smile now and then. When he was around strangers, though, his armor was up again. He'd reply by nodding or shaking his head, he would avoid eye contact and questions that required longer answers. Of course people found that weird, but you didn't mind. You understood he needed time, and Steve understood it as well. He had been through a similar process of getting used to a normal life and he did his best to support Bucky.   
It's been a few months since Steve brought him home, and right from the start, there was an undeniable connection between you and Buck. Even though he barely spoke a word with you in the beginning, he didn't seem to mind as much when you were over for dinner or when you around in general. Steve was your best friend and you wanted to help him and Bucky, so you often came over to cook them dinner or you'd listen to Steve when he felt like he couldn't deal with something on his own.   
Steve also noticed that something was different with his two best friends. He could see the way Bucky would watch you from distance when you were making dinner, with a wary look on his face, but not in the way he looked at other people. He could see how Bucky eventually sat on the couch instead of staying in his room when you were over and how he would sometimes try to smile at you when Steve thanked you for making dinner or for helping with chores.   
And Bucky started talking to you just a few weeks after he started talking to Steve. Conversations were short, but Bucky didn't feel pressured around you. Others would keep pushing him to talk more, but you listened to what he was saying and you had a way of knowing when he didn't feel like talking anymore.  
In the beginning, it would only be a small smile when you came in, which turned into a quiet “Hello,” until he was eventually sitting by the kitchen counter, quietly asking about your day. And you had a way of responding without making him feel uncomfortable.   
As time passed, he'd initiate more conversations with you, trying to talk for a little longer until he managed to keep up a somewhat normal conversation.   
“He likes you.” Steve told you one morning when Buck was still sleeping and you were having breakfast with the super soldier.   
You smiled at that. You were glad to see Bucky was making progress with adapting to his new life, he was a genuinely good soul and he deserved to live a good, normal life.   
“Yeah? That's good to hear. I like him too, I'm glad I can help him adapting a little.” You replied after pouring yourself some tea.  
“S' not what I meant, (Y/N).” Steve chuckled, shaking his head a little as he watched you. “He like likes you. I can see it.” He added, making you raise your brows a little.   
“You think he-? No. No, Steve, really. I thought we talked about boy and girl friendships existing without any crushes? Just like you and I?” You answered, also shaking your head.   
“Yeah, well. Whatever you say, ma'am. I just thought it'd be good if you knew that I wouldn't mind if you two, you know,” He explained, causing you to roll your eyes in amusement.   
“If we what, Stevie? Fondued? Very commendable of you to give your approval, then.” You laughed, flicking his ear as you got up to put the dishes away.  
Turns out that Steve wasn't wrong with his assumption. You tried paying closer attention to any signals coming from Bucky because, well. He was special, obviously. Over the past months, he had grown attached to him.   
But nothing really happened until it was six month 'anniversary' of being back. Originally, Steve and you decided not to make it a special day as you didn't know he'd react to it, but you still ended up making a meal he seemed to have enjoyed before and Steve prepared a collection of films he assumed his best friend would like.   
The two of you wanted to surprise him with it, but he himself also had a little gift prepared. He got Steve some cards with pictures on them, they looked old and you didn't quite get that joke, but while Steve looked at them, you could see Bucky was trying to muster up some courage.  
“(Y/N), I also got something for you. I don't know if you'll like it but you talked about these and I figured it'd show how thankful I am for, you know, your patience with me.” He tried explaining and you could see that his metal arm was clenching around something. When he also noticed, he bit his lip and quickly used his other hand to hand you the small box. Inside was a necklace, thin and subtle, with a small quartz charm.   
“Buck, I can't believe you remembered that,” You whispered in awe, eyes lighting up as you looked up at him again. You once told him how you always believed wearing a quartz at midnight, when it was full moon and you touched water, would turn you into a mermaid. He was listening to that story with a soft smile on his lips, but you didn't think he'd remember it.  
“It's beautiful, thank you so much.” You added, and without thinking about it, you wrapped your arms around him and hugged him. It was a swift motion and when you realized, you quickly pulled back, an apologetic look on your face. But he didn't look as tense as he usually did.   
“It's not enough for what you've done for me, but-” He started again, making you shake your head.  
“You put so much thought into this, Buck, I really appreciate it.” You interrupted him, then glanced down at the beautiful little thing again.  
“Can you, uhm, put it on me? I'd love to wear it.” You asked, carefully turning and positioning the necklace where you wanted it. You felt your skin tingling when his warm hand touched the skin on your neck, carefully brushing your hair aside before he sealed the hinge. And you surprisingly didn't feel bothered by his metal arm on your shoulder blades.   
The first time you touched the metal arm was on accident and it obviously scared you. The metal was stern and cold and you knew that was the one burden Bucky would have to deal with forever.   
But you got used to it very quickly, it became a part of Bucky just like his long hair and his eyes and his smile.  
Once the necklace was on, you turned to face him again, a bright smile on your lips because it really was a beautiful gift he thought of. And when he didn't turn away, when he just looked back at you, you remembered what Steve told you not too long ago. And you decided to go for it. You placed a chaste kiss to his cheek, and before you realized, he kissed you. 

After that first kiss, there certainly was a change in Bucky's demeanor. He still wasn't one for lots of affection, he tried his best but you never pushed him when you could tell he wasn't okay anymore.   
One thing did bug you, though. He still had terrible insecurities about his arm, even though you already accepted it and got used to it a long time ago, he wasn't comfortable with exposing it. He'd always wear long sleeved shirts or a hoodie or a jacket, you'd barely see him in a tee. You saw him shirtless once after he went training with Steve and he came out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, but as you knew he wasn't ready to show his whole arm yet, you pretended you didn't notice him.   
When you were out in public, he tried hiding or concealing his hand by keeping it in the pocket of his pants or pulling one sleeve down further, he never reached for your hand with the metal arm.  
You understood that he felt humiliated about it. People would always stare and point their fingers at him and you knew he hated it. People would call him a freak under their breath when they caught a glimpse of his arm and even though you tried telling him you loved him no matter what his body looked like, he wouldn't show his arm. He felt humiliated by those who did it to him and he felt humiliated when someone saw it. And he didn't deserve to feel that way. You loved him with all your heart and it hurt you to see him quickly hide his arm and face the ground when someone saw his arm.   
He still wasn't very talkative, but it was better than it was before.   
He'd tell you stories about his time as the Winter Soldier late at night when you were alone with him and he felt comfortable and you would just listen and place a gentle kiss to his jaw every now and then.   
Recently, though, he started opening up about his body more.   
He sometimes wore shirts with elbow-length sleeves around home and he'd let you touch the metal arm, at least at home. You always tried to convince him that it wasn't something that bothered you, but that was the one thing he didn't believe. Whenever you would carefully touch his arm or reach for the cold, metal hand, he couldn't help but wonder why you were with someone like him. A freak, a monster. You could be with anyone. A normal guy that hadn't killed people, someone who wasn't a science experiment with a metal prosthesis instead of an arm.

It was a Tuesday night when something changed. It was storming outside, it had been raining all day so you and Buck stayed inside, read books, watched films. Being together felt perfectly natural, you felt safe around Bucky and he felt so comfortable and normal around you. These days, he didn't feel like a monster. He felt normal, and you treated him with so much love and patience, he knew he was lucky.   
It was past ten at night and you were in Bucky's room, going through a classic novel when you shifted a little. You frowned slightly and turned a bit in his embrace to look up at him.  
“I want to show you.” He whispered, gnawing on his lower lip as he looked down at where his arms are resting over your stomach.   
You lifted your head off his chest, a little startled, but when you realized what he was saying, you nodded lightly. It took him so much willpower to do his, you could see in his face that he was struggling, battling himself to do this. He knew you deserved to finally see what was underneath his shirts.   
You sat up carefully, watching him getting up and making his way to the bathroom, and you started getting a little nervous. You never really thought about what was expecting you.   
You tried not to worry about it as you waited for him to return, he was finally opening up in a way he hadn't before, you didn't want to scare him off again.  
Bucky was standing in the bathroom, critically eying himself in the mirror. His shirt was laying on the ground and he stared at where his arm was connected to the rest of his body. He was a freak. A monster. A machine. You deserved so much better.

When he came back to his room, he avoided any kind of eye contact as he got on the bed again. You could see how strained his face was, how tough this was for him, so you reached for his warm hand and gave it a squeeze.  
“I love you, Buck. Look at me, please. Nothing's going to change that.” You whispered, looking him in the eyes as you gently cupped his chin for a moment. When he finally looked back at you, you felt him relaxing a bit, and for the first time, you lowered your gaze to his shoulder.  
The first thing you saw were scars. Many deep scars that still looked so painful all around where the metal arm met his body. They were red some probably still hurt. He didn't talk about that. Your lips were pressed in a thin line as your thumb ran over the scars very lightly. You could feel how deep they were. You carefully ran your finger over where the metal met his skin, and it once again broke your heart to think a boy like him, with such a good heart and soul had to go through such painful procedures.   
When you looked up at his face, your heart nearly skipped a beat. He was staring up at the ceiling, but from the way his jaw clenched you could tell he was on the verge of tears.  
“B-Buck, I'm sorry, I didn't want to-” You quickly started, eyes wide as you removed your hand from his shoulder, close to tears yourself.  
“No, it's not – you're not hurting me.” He replied quietly, blinking a few times. “It's just – I'm so fucked up. They replaced ten muscles spread all over my side. And you're not freaked out, (Y/N). I'm here, a fucked up science project, a fucking machine, and you're not running from me.” He whispered, shaking his head a bit as he used his other hand to rub over his face. You looked down at his exposed body. You knew the replaced muscles. Most of his chest, his arm, some of the muscles over his ribs. You placed one hand on his pecs and the other one on his arm, and you knew you were crying and you didn't care.  
“Please don't say these things about yourself, Buck.” You said quietly, carefully moving a little closer. “Don't say these things about yourself. They're not true, Buck. You're not fucked up. You're not responsible for what they did to you. And I'm not scared of you, Bucky. And you know why I'm not scared? Because I know who you are. I know you're not a monster or a machine. You are James Buchanan Barnes, you're a beautiful man with an unbelievably big heart, who fought for his homeland and for the innocent. Those had been your intentions, Buck. What they did to you did not make you who you are. You didn't deserve what they did, but please, Buck, don't think of yourself like that. I love you because I know who you are and I don't care if your arm and side is made out of flesh or metal. I fell in love with you because of the person you are. And I'm so in love with you, Buck.” You bubbled in between soft sniffles, desperate to have the one you love believe you. And boy, a barrier inside him broke. You could see it and you could hear it because a sob ragged through his body and he wrapped his arms around you, both of them without hesitance, and you pulled you close and he pressed kisses to the top of your head. 

He believed you because he knew you wouldn't lie to him. He knew it because he knew you were a good person and he was so lucky to be with you. He loved you.  
And maybe he wasn't a machine at all. Maybe he was a normal guy with a beautiful girlfriend that loved him and supported him. 

Maybe he really was on the right path now.


End file.
